There’s something very liberating about ageing. The older I get, the less I care about other people’s negativity. And that makes it easier to assert myself – particularly when it comes to the things I feel fiercely about. One of those is the idea of “ageing with grace”. 

The brilliant Ashton Applewhite (check out her TED talk, Let’s End Ageism, from 2017) has a lot to say about the phrase, most of it radical. She doesn’t hold back – and that’s what I love about her. 

“In our hyper-capitalist, youth-centric western culture, ageing well tends to mean spending money and time trying to look and move like younger versions of ourselves,” Applewhite wrote in The Guardian recently. “Unsurprisingly, many ‘cope’ with growing older by leaning heavily on denial. It’s not much of a strategy, but it’s human. It’s also why the landscape is strewn with euphemisms, like ‘mature’ and ‘seasoned’, to avoid the dread ‘old’. ‘Ageing gracefully’ is one of those euphemisms.” 

I’ve talked before about the potential toxicity of the phrase “ageing with grace”, because it implies that growing older should appear to be effortless, when for many of us it can be extremely hard work: we have to adapt as our bodies change and our roles evolve while also staying active and engaged. The idea is full of contradictions: we must embrace ageing without looking any older; remain positive but accept our limitations. So what do we do? We try to think about it as honestly as we can. 

In The Guardian, Applewhite looked the issue square in the face. “Ageing isn’t a problem to be solved,” she said, “or a disease to be cured. Or something icky that old people do. It’s how we move through life. What stands between us and making the most of these longer lives? Ageism: judging, stereotyping and discriminating against people on the basis of how old we think they are. Solve for ageism and we also address sexism (ageing is gendered), ableism (disability is stigmatised) and racism (which denies multitudes the chance to age at all).” 

We already know that ageism is gendered. It’s fine to be a male silver fox, but look at the column inches devoted to those women who dare to show their grey hair. And in an uncomfortable twist, we see that often their loudest detractors are female. Our girls and young women learn early on to conform to gender stereotypes. We also become each other’s harshest critics.

How is ageing ableist? Our bodies, on the whole, work less well as we get older. Illness can occur. Our balance may deteriorate. It becomes more difficult to stay energised and mobile. It’s then that we’re expected to put up and shut up: accept without complaint. After all, we’re told, ageing is a privilege when you consider the alternative.    

But perhaps there’s another way to look at it. I don’t love the phrase “ageing disgracefully”, but I do appreciate the ethos. It’s about defying “age-appropriate” expectations: so, wearing what you want, doing what you like, saying what you think – and having the time of your life. Ageing is complicated. It’s essential that we find our own way through: the path of least resistance.

And I agree wholeheartedly with Applewhite when she tells us how that looks. “To me, it means growing older unapologetically, truthfully and in community.” If that’s ageing with Grace, I’m here for whatever you need.